My Truth Right Now

Hey wow, this post is so so different from what I normally do. I am so excited to make this post actually this week. I have been really pressed and kind of. I have to admit stressed about what I was filming I I've been working so. So hard for you guys and I am so into what I'm doing right now with my channel and. I feel really connected to you guys and myself like. I feel like I'm doing what I meant to do and I feel like. I'm helping and I'm like in turn helping myself and it. It feels really good I'm not gonna edit this post. I'm not gonna edit this audio I'm just gonna.

Just I'm gonna drink a little water because I'm a little thirsty. I'm just gonna share with you guys what is real for me right now and I just want to do. I guess what YouTube would categorize this as a life update on some level. So right now I'm.I'm so excited because I'm expanding my team, I've hired as a creative assistant. I'm working with somebody who's doing my videography. Which is like so cool I've just done this for. So long-on my own and just to be at a point.Where my visions are so big that I need help with them. I mean that is like that I am so thankful  for I am so excited for what's to come because I feel and I constantly say this to the people around me.

I just have not even come close to doing what I want to do and like the things I want to share like. I just am so excited and like I just feel like there is no there's the limit is it does not exist. I love Mean Girls I just love that maybe I am so happy and thankful and at the same time. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself a lot of pressure to not do. I think I always do. I think so many of us can totally relate to just like getting down on yourself. When you lik commit to something and then you maybe don't follow through completely or the way that you thought.

You would or you just can't you don't have it in you to continue and then it's like you beat yourself up. I just am so scared of that happening and like me falling off of consistent uploads. I am putting like a lot of pressure on myself and maybe having a little bit of trouble like balancing my own life and my own priorities. So I'm really working with that and I'm very aware and conscious of that. So I'm doing things to offset that I'm not completely paralyzed and like not doing anything to solve m problem. I just want to verbalize that because a lot of people just see the videos. They're supercut and edited and I love it and then that also. Just doesn't give you the full idea of what's really happening I mean behind the scenes are completely different then the final product behind the scenes are full of like laughter like.

I'm constantly laughing with my team we are like basically like doubled over like laughing most of the time because we just have so much fun we're blasting music. I'm you know sometimes I get a little bit stressed and I want to make things perfect. So there are so many dynamics that get combined into creating what. I make it on YouTube and that is just. So cool and I mean I mean even that when I'm saying that I'm like. I totally want to document that I want to show you guys what goes into this um I.I'm thankful I really really am thankful and I'm. So happy and excited to have you guys just with me I feel .So connected to you guys and making more and more of things that make me. You know feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do that makes me feel even more connected to you guys. So I just love you guys so much and this month has been so ig.I've hit like 16 million views in 28 days which is like a really big goal for me that means. So many brands have been like knocking on my door. There's been like channel network after channel network is like. Hey like we want to sign you like what are your goals?

What are you these people being like? Hey please use our products as mentioned that you love this about it. I'm like I haven't even tried it yet like I am so um it's like sometimes I'm like beside myself just seeing the other side of like what it's tempting you know. Like people in this industry, they get people soliciting them all the time. They I have people who are like hey we'll pay you XYZ I mean it is so tempting and it. I have turned down so any sponsorships and that doesn't make me a saint. But it's like I don't know where I'm going with this it's just a lot like it's a lot to kind of like constantly have people wanting to like you use. You as a platform to like to launch their thing and as much as I want to do sponsored posts.

Like I want to do that but I want to do it right. I just have yet to really see it done right unless. You're working with a brand that you already like use and love and as easy as that sound. So like do a lot of rants don' have the budget or they don't and when I say don't have the budget like. They don't have any money to pay you for your sponsored post. Which okay, I can still recommend products for free. But I do that in a way that doesn't feel aggressive.So it's like I wouldn't do sponsored posts for brands you know without getting paid for it of course and then at the same time. I wouldn't do it for a brand that I don't love. So that's why I just don't really do them and I focus on providing value in my post. Then I depend on the ads that are like placed next to my videos by Google. Which is like a different kind of revenue stream because it has nothing to do.

It doesn't influence the comp the content. I'm making it just literally like a picture or like a little a clip before my post and those when you watch them that's. How I get paid so that's what I depend on and that's what. I just work really hard to like to make sure that you guys are really enjoying my post. So that I can earn a living doing this and I'm really thankful that that's like totally possible. I said that I wouldn't edit this audio. But I'm just like cutting it here and there because I need to like take a sip of water and like breathing for  minute. But yeah I'm really just giving you what's going on with me right. Now I've had such a hard year and this is gonna be the real kicker. You guys I have gone through in the past year. I have gone through the most intense depression that I think I've ever ever ever ever experienced I was really suicidal.

I'm just gonna come out and say it for me it feels I feel rather detached from it. It just feels like this is just was my life I was waking up not able to operate. I wasn't able to do very much for myself. I was just I don't really know what was happening I just know that I often considered you know how much easier it would be. If I just didn't have to exist anymore and that's a really scary scary scary place to be in.Because you don't know what you're gonna do and what's gonna happen and what that means for everybody around. You and you don't know why you feel like that. Because you know you shouldn't feel like that. So it's a lot to manage and it's a lot to handle.

But I am so happy that I got through it I'm not done talking about it. I just want to say that like I am out of that place and that is so good. I haven't felt that way in so many months and that felt like that was never going to happen. When you feel that depressed you just it every it feels like. You're not going to feel that way and just to say that for months. Now I've been happy and I just like it. I'm out of it I'm like working hard taking care of myself. I'm so so sorry that I'm crying I'm just so thankful. It's hope like okay listen so all of this just means. So much more to me when I see myself doing things that I know. I'm meant to do like on this channel and in my personal life. You know improving relationships and improving what. I do for work this just builds so much self-confidence. I me and it's just making me feel.

So good I just I really wanted to share that and I think. I definitely waited I waited for people to drop off at this post. Because I don't know I know not everyone's gonna make it to like 9 minutes to listen to me talk. Sorry, this is so it's it feels embarrassing. I know it's not but it feels embarrassing. I wanted you guys to know this whole time. How badly I had been struggling and like. Why I wasn't making the post  I didn't know how to share it and maybe that's why. I'm making this video but I just want to say like if you're going through a really hard time like. I don't even I'm not gonna be the person to give you advice. But I just want you to get help like whatever that looks like. Because I have completely turned my life around and I'm. So so thankful I'm so so thankful so I'm so sorry if this was a lot I did not mean to like make this um so intense but I'm not gonna delete this. Because I could just easily stop recording and then delete this and rerecord something lighter.

But I'm not going to do that um. I okay, I don't want to end this post here. I just want to explain one more thing. Because I'm so uncomfortable that I just shared that that's.Just me trying to do that you know what like. I've had a therapist now for a couple of months and it's so good. Because she has not only helped my disc.Some things that I needed to discuss with somebody. Who wasn't going to you know to be kind of conflict of interest? But she's also made me like. So aware of my own mind and how that computer in my brain is sometimes serving me. But sometimes it's not it's hurting me you know like. Sometimes the things that I say to myself or just the ways that I react. They're like not beneficial and my therapist her name's Betty. She's so wonderful um she is somebody. Who's like brought my awareness up a whole lot and it. It feels good to be aware of what you're doing. Because it means that you can take control and make changes. Which makes you feel really powerful because you are and so am I and. I'm just really really happy and I also have to make mention of somebody else in my life named life. She is so wonderful.

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